


Heather and Sarah vs. the Bears, or, the Story is Coming from Inside the House

by Minim Calibre (minim_calibre)



Category: Fail_Fandomanon RPF
Genre: Epistolary, Fangirls, Friendship, Gen, Metafiction, Writing, write what you know, yuletide bears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 14:44:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5460218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minim_calibre/pseuds/Minim%20Calibre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which bears are defeated, fangirls flail, and writing what you know takes on a degree of absurdity hitherto unknown.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heather and Sarah vs. the Bears, or, the Story is Coming from Inside the House

**Author's Note:**

  * For [meme_inspired](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meme_inspired/gifts).



Hey, Sarah... you up?

> For certain values of up. What's up?

I can't write this story. It's stupid, and I hate it, and my recipient is going to hate it, and I can't even—WORDS, what are words?

> You can totally do it, Heather. Your writing is awesome, and you can totally do it. Which I tell you every year, by the way.

This year is different. I hate everything, I never should have offered this stupid fandom, and guess what my word count is?

> What's your word count?

No, seriously: guess.

> About 250?

God, I wish. Five. My word count is five. I have five words. I can count all my words on one hand. I should have defaulted before the deadline. I have no words.

> No, you have five words.

Ha ha. Ugh. Why do I keep deluding myself into thinking I'm a writer? When is the last time I managed to finish something that wasn't a stupid Tumblr prompt ficlet? I'm not a writer. You're a writer. You write stuff. And post stuff. And finish stuff. I bet you have more than five words

> I didn't even sign up this year, remember?

That's because you're smarter than me.

> No, that's because I defaulted right before the deadline last year, swore I would write them a treat, got the flu, and completely and totally flaked on it, which I still feel guilty about.

You had work deadlines, though. I scheduled my whole vacation around this and I have five words. Plus, how many words do you have written on that treat for this year that we were talking about?

> …

I bet it's more than five.

> Fine. More than five.

More than 500?

> Yes, more than 500.

Ha! See?

> But I don't have an ending, I don't even have most of a middle, and I think 90% of the word count is 'the' or 'and'. Of your five words, how many of them are 'the'?

Surprisingly, none.

> Huh.

Yeah. I have _Dick's life was a misery._ What made me think I could write Dick Booping angsty sex? Can I get a TARDIS so I can go back in time and tell myself not to offer the stupid fandom?

> ODAO it?

But they had good prompts! I love their prompts! And it's not like I could come up with anything on my own to ODAO it, anyway. If I could, I'd have already written in the fandom, considering how much Dick Booping I read. Plus, they asked for Dick/Twigg. There are maybe three Dick/Twigg stories out there that aren't Dick/Whitecock endgame in the whole fandom, and I've been saying for years there should be more, and FIVE WORDS, SARAH, I HAVE FIVE WORDS!

> …I promise I'm not laughing at you.

You're totally laughing at me. I'd be laughing at me if I weren't me.

> No, I swear. Not laughing at you. Promise!

Yeah, right. You so totally are.

> Maybe try writing it from Twigg's POV?

Ugh. Maybe. Maybe I should write it like it's a Dick and Jane book. 'See Dick. Dick is a PI. Dick's parents are dead.'

> You're thinking of Batman. Or Lana on Smallville.

There's nothing in canon that says that Dick's parents are alive.

> There's nothing in canon that says that they aren't, because there's nothing in canon to even indicate that Dick Booping has parents.

Arthur and Ethel Booping. They were vaudevillians. Tragically died in an incident involving a fan dance gone horribly wrong. Totally my head canon for them and explains everything you need to know about their orphaned son, Dick.

> Maybe you should be writing that story instead.

Arthur and Ethel aren't in the tag set.

> Because you made them up.

ANYHOW. 'See Dick investigate. Dick is investigating Janet Snakehole. Janet Snakehole is bad. She killed a man. Bad, Janet, bad!'

> I didn't know this was a crossover.

Parks and Rec was one of their other fandoms and I needed a name.

> You could have just written that, you know.

Yes, but we matched on Dick Booping and I am going to give them Dick if I have to do something extreme that I'll figure out later. Ugh. Why is this so hard? I had this whole thing in my head when I got the assignment where Dick's investigating Twigg's client—oh, and Janet Snakehole is just a placeholder name, and I'm not really going to use it if I ever manage to get more than five words written—and Twigg doesn't know, but he's totally suspicious because he's Dick best friend: he knows how he works and so he goes and tries to manipulate him into dropping the case and things get really aggressive and angsty and there's manly blow ups and alley fights and blah blah blah, sexual tension, blah blah blah buttsex.

> Blah blah blah buttsex?

Or blah blah blah blowjobs. I hadn't decided. But it worked in my head and was totally hot. Honest.

> No, Heather, I believe you.

You're laughing at me again, aren't you.

> … Yes, yes I am.

Okay, how about: _Dick should have known from the moment he met Jay Twigg that one day, something like this was going to happen._ That's 21 words.

> I like it better than 'Dick's life was a misery.'

Now I just have to figure out what the something like this is.

> I think it was blah blah blah buttsex.

You're funny.

> I know, right? I crack me up. You know, you should go totally hard-boiled Raymond Chandler with this like you did that one Yuletide.

You mean the one where I was actually writing something based on a Raymond Chandler story?

> Yes, that would be the one.

Maybe. Would Jay Twigg be the femme fatale here?

> He'd totally be the femme fatale here. He even looks like a femme fatale, only male. I think it's the hair.

He does have fantastic hair. I'm all about those bangs when they're boxing together.

> Does Dick know Janet Snakehole's a Jay Twigg client? And who hired Dick to investigate her, Burt Macklin?

I told you I was using that as a placeholder, right? Not really a crossover? No, it's the victim's sister. She got suspicious about the life insurance policy. Okay, changed/expanded the opening: what do you think about this? _Dick should have known from the moment he met Jay Twigg that one day, something like this was going to happen, that something would come between them. He'd just never expected it would be a dame, especially not a dame like Janet Snakehole._

> I like it. Very noir-y. Also, I think you should stick with Janet Snakehole. They said they were okay with crossovers, right?

Doesn't mean I want to write one.

> The penguins want you to write one.

I am staring at my penguin right now. My penguin has no opinion on crossovers. My penguin is wondering why I am not writing an epic penguin-insert story in the fandom of his choice. Ugh. Okay. Gonna write. Please stage an intervention if you see me online at all between now and tomorrow.

>.<

Your penguin name is Fishface Fancyflippers. I'm Fishcakes Fancyflippers.

> …

Did you know it's easier to find a penguin name generator than it is to find a femme fatale name generator?

> Huh.

I wasn't slacking. I was trying to find a replacement name for Janet Snakehole. Her penguin name is Shrimpy Blubberbuns, by the way.

> What's Dick's penguin name?

Fishbreath Waddlebottom. Jay is Shrimpy Pebblepincher. _Fishbreath should have known from the moment he met Shrimpy Pebblepincher. that one day, something like this was going to happen, that something would come between them. He'd just never expected it would be a dame, especially not a dame like Shrimpy Blubberbuns._

> Yeah. You should just go with Janet Snakehole.

I would rather go with Shrimpy Blubberbuns because I refuse to write that crossover. What's a good femme fatale name?

> You realize I haven't had my coffee yet?

Fine. Go drink your coffee, then give me a good femme fatale name.

¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

> Kitty Malone. But for the record, I still like Janet Snakehole.

… That is an excellent femme fatale name. Want to write the rest of my story for me?

> I still haven't figured out how to make a story out of the treat I'm writing.

Magic?

> I'm treating Rivers of London. I fear magic is not going to help me with this one.

Point. Just make it PWP?

> It's a story about what Molly and Toby do when Nightingale and Peter aren't around.

…

…

…

Yeah, don't do that. I take back that suggestion. It would be hilarious, but no. Unless they said they wanted A/B/O? Because knotting.

> HEATHER, NO.

ᶘᵒᴥᵒᶅ

 

> I figured it out. It's from Toby's POV, which means I have to re-write the whole thing, but at least means I have something akin to an actual plot now. How's Dick doing?

I managed to make word count, at least. Here's what I just finished typing up: _Kitty Malone was five feet and seven inches of suspicion wrapped in silk stockings and black satin, the kind of dame you knew damn well was rotten to the core, just by looking at her. Trouble was, knowing didn't mean a damn thing if he couldn't prove it and Malone's sister-in-law was paying him good money to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt._

_A tip from her neighbor'd sent him here, the kind of joint where guys like him stood out like sore thumbs, even in their Sunday best. He'd had to spend some of the sister-in-law's money on a secondhand suit and a new pair of shoes just so he could get through the door without being shown it a minute later. More of it on the tumbler of whiskey he'd ordered at the bar._

_He watched the widow Malone cozy up to Frank Martinelli, lowering her eyes and smiling bashfully in response to something Martini said. He did't miss the way her blood-red smile grew calculating the moment Martini looked away, nor did he miss the way she glared daggers at any dame who deigned come near her territory. Jesus, even Martinelli deserved better than the clutches of Kitty Malone._

> Claws. Go with claws. And you're missing an 'n' in didn't.

Good catch. … _even Martinelli deserved better than the claws of Kitty Malone._

_A voice, smooth and dry as a good martini, interrupted his musings. "Fancy meeting you here."_

_Dick looked up into Jay Twigg's amused blue eyes. He'd been so focused on Kitty Malone, he hadn't even noticed her lawyer walk up. Some PI he was. "Twigg." He raised the tumbler in mock salute._

_"Not your usual sort of establishment," Twigg commented, sitting down next to him, close enough that Dick could smell the bergamot and vetiver of his cologne even over the thick stench of cigars._

_"Heard the serve a good whiskey. Thought I'd try something other than rotgut for a change." On the dance floor, Kitty Malone had one gloved hand curled possessively over Martinelli's shoulder as they swayed back and forth to Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered._

_Twigg followed his gaze and the full red lips that Dick had spent years trying not to notice thinned. "Stay out of this one, Booping." You couldn't miss the note of caution in his voice if you tried._

_Dick drained the rest of the whiskey in one quick gulp and grabbed his fedora from next to him._ This part might change. I need to figure out what the hell you do with your hat in this situation. _"It's nice to see you, too, Jay." Any other night, and that would have been the God's honest truth._

> Poor Dick. Why did Twigg take the case?

Reasons? IDK. I'm leaving it vague and hoping I figure it out.

@@

Hey, I figured out the climactic fight scene. Sort of.

> Sort of?

I figured out the aftermath of it. The actual punching and shit requires blocking, and blocking is hard. Right now, it's just [[Fisticuffs, alley! Angst! Blood! Ouch!]].

> Hit me.
> 
> Not literally.

_His teeth rattled in his skull as Twigg's blow landed, sent him down on his knees on the rough pavement of the alleyway._

_He looked up. "We were friends, Jay." And the betrayal stung worse than his split lip._

_"We're still friends, Dick," Twigg said. "God—" He leaned back against the filthy brick wall, his carefully brilliantined hair now hanging in his face, obscuring the blue of his eyes._

> Isn't it dark out? How is Dick going to see his eye color, anyway?

He doesn't have to see them. He knows they're blue.

> Sure. Dick knows they're blue, we know they're blue, everyone knows they're blue. Go with obscuring his expression or something like that instead.

The guy who wrote the novelization doesn't know they're blue. He seems to think they're green. And that Twigg's hair is light brown when it's dark blond.

> It is light brown, and we are not having this argument again because I have finally radically accepted that I can never convince you that you are wrong about this, but know that you are.

Dark blond. Not light brown.

> Told you, not having this argument.

Okay, okay.

> Keep writing.

_…his carefully brilliantined hair now hanging in his face, hiding his expression._ OH! Wait…

> K

_…his carefully brilliantined hair now hanging in his face, hiding every one of his tells. Maybe he meant it, maybe he was just using Dick's sentimental streak against him._ Better?

> Much better.

_"We're still friends, Dick," Twigg said. "God—" He leaned back against the filthy brick wall, his carefully brilliantined hair now hanging in his face, hiding every one of his tells. Maybe he meant it, maybe he was just using Dick's sentimental streak against him. "But I can't have you involved in this."_

_Dick spit out a mouthful of blood and glared at Twigg. "Next you'll be telling me this is bigger than the both of us."_

_Twigg brushed his hair back into place and laughed, a bleak, horrible sound Dick hadn't realized could ever come out of his friend's mouth. "My friend, you have no idea."_ I still have no idea how this magically turns into hot sex.

> Magic?

I should have gone with a sex pollen PWP.

> It's the 1940s. How would that even work?

Wizard AU?

> So, basically, magic.

Pretty much. How's the treat going?

> Finished. I posted the draft. Will you be able to break from this for a quick and dirty beta pass, or should I find someone else? Not that I want to find someone else, but I will if you don't have the time.

If I get something I can count as almost a full draft finished tonight, I can do it. How long is it?

> Umm…

Oh, god. You wrote an epic in the time it has taken me to force out 2000 words, didn't you?

> 15k.

I hate you. I mean, you are my best friend and I love you, but I hate you so much right now. ::cries::

> ::hands you a soothing penguin:: I always write too many words, though, remember? It'll be closer to 10k when you're done making me justify the narrative function of half my paragraphs.

O.o

Holy shit, I have a draft.

> *\O/*

Sarah, I have a draft! I HAVE A DRAFT!

> I know! You shared the Google Doc!

I'm pretty sure the ending is rushed and the sex is perfunctory and possibly tacked on, but I have a draft. A posted draft. Holy shit.

> Told you you could do it!

::collapses:: Oh, and I've started the beta on your treat. I printed it out. Want me to drop off a hard copy when I'm done, or should I just duplicate the comments on the doc?

> Drop it off. I need to give you your present, anyhow. We can kill two birds with one stone and possibly grab cocktails?

Cocktails sound awesome. Let us do cocktails. What goes with thwarting bears?

> Hmm. Probably something with vodka.

Hey, Sarah?

> Yeah?

Next year? Make me finish my story in October.

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Yulegiftee, I had this whole thing involving the not-so-epic beginnings of their friendship, with the intent that it would be all cleverly set up and shot through with enough FFA references to choke everyone above the pony line. This is not that story. That is probably for the best. Especially because that story kept threatening to go to a BoJack Horseman place. Trust me. You're better off with this one.
> 
> Thank you for giving me a prompt that meant I got to spend the last few months justifying horsing around on Meme as "doing a canon refresh" and I guess this means I get to finally close the Unofficial History thread tab.


End file.
